Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Let Wander...Or Is It?

Warning: Slightly X-Rated Post

Do we know really know what happens when we let our minds out to wander? Where do they go? And more importantly, why do they come back full of such weird stuff?
It happened to me yesterday. I mentally nodded off for just a split second and my mind grabbed the opportunity and rocketed out the doggie door for parts unknown. About 20 minutes later, it swaggered back, smug and sassy and barking orders: "Go ask the kids for condoms!" Yep...I said CONDOMS. Unable to muster the wit and wherewithal to ask why, I crept down the hall and knocked on their door. This would be my son and daughter-in-law, Ben and Autumn, who moved in with us about five months ago.

Ben and Autumn at The Farmer's Market

I try to be a considerate parental unit and always knock if their door is shut. Well, and quite frankly I don't want to see what might be going on behind that closed door. When no one shrieked "Aaaack! We're naked!!!" I opened the door and without preamble or pretext I blurted out "Do you have any condoms?"

They had that deer-in-the-headlights look goin' on. Quickly, I added "Uh...I'll give them back..." Now they were MOOSE-in-the-headlights. "I'm not going to USE them." I don't know what's bigger than a moose...let's switch species and go with wooly-mammoth-in-the-headlights. Clearly, they were having trouble processing so to add to the confusion I said "And do you have that tea wallet I made you handy?" I think they were numb at this point. Autumn reached into the night stand and threw a handful of condoms in my general direction and mumbled something about a basket on the dresser, where I found the tea wallet. I think they just wanted me OUT of the room so they could discuss assisted living options for me.

Safely back in the "sewing area" (which is most of the rest of the house), I slipped the tea out of the tea wallet pockets and replaced them with condoms. Ta Da!
With Tea Paraphenalia
Well, almost Ta Da...condom packets are a teensy bit smaller than tea packets, so I mentally calculated about a half-inch difference in the final measurements I would need.  

Tea Packets vs. er...uh...CONDOMS!

I always use this tea wallet tutorial with a few of my own modifications. For my new creation, I shortened the four 5" x 7" pieces to 5" x 6 1/2". I chose a few pieces of fabric, started cutting, and barely 30 minutes later, I had two "Condom Wallets" for two friends who had July birthdays. I was going to see them both later in the day, and since they are very fun-loving ladies, I knew they would appreciate my slightly off-color gifts.

By this time, the kids had somewhat recovered from their mom/condom shock and were heading into town for some grocery shopping. I tempted fate and asked if they would mind picking me up a box or so of condoms. Oh, and PRETTY condoms would be a real bonus, please and thank you! I showed them my empty but finished wallets and handed over twenty bucks as I shooed them out the door. While they were gone, I fancied the wallets up a bit with some charms and beads.

Those kids really got into the sprit of the task and came back with three boxes of assorted colors AND flavors! Banana, Cherry, and Lime, Oh My!

Plus a couple of "surprises" listed on the box below...we won't discuss those in polite company but they fit nicely in the wallets as well.

I loaded up the wallets and admired my handiwork. Later that evening, my fun-loving lady friends were absolutely thrilled with their quite useful gifties. I guess next time my mind wants to wander, I should send it off with my blessings and a no-limit mental credit card and wait to see what it brings back.


Cathy said...

OMG OMG OMG that is soo funny er I mean what a useful gift I really mean I nearly peed in my pants.. Please let your mind wander more often. I love the places it goes; I just wonder how did it get there and why did it come back?

NadineC said...

Cathy - I was actually thinking about potato salad when my mind wandered. I'm not really sure WHY it came back, but it's probably because no one else wanted it! Glad you didn't actually pee your pants ;-)

Jenny S said...

I was laughing so hard my hubby had to ask what I was reading! Thank you for the chuckle. I might have to order one of these for my sister!! LOL! (Only if it comes with the "extra" items!!)

Twi-Lin said...

LOL! I love the condom wallets...I need a few for some of my friends! :)

happy zombie said...

Too funny! Now all I can think about is Earl Gray being ribbed for my pleasure.